in search of venus

Everytime I think I start to like you again, I climb out the window.
It’s not that high, I only live on the first floor.
The curtains are pretty, the wood old, the glass shattered and the window pane crumbling.

The glass on the frame is stained red,
because I’ve done this too many times before.
I made my bedroom into a shrine –
I have all your notes,
your cologne is in the air and
sometimes I sleep on the floor because the bed is too lonely.
I think once I leave that space,
I love you a little less.
I love the sky, the puppies and the flowers when I’m out of our world.
But I end up plucking a single daisy on my way home, because you said i was yours.
You said your home wasn’t a home without one of those, and I’ve long since dried up –
no longer your daisy, i’m poisoned ivy now.

For all this time, that window has stayed like that – broken.
Because i wondered if you would come around, and fix it.
Don’t you see I’m hurting?
I come back home after classes that suck my soul, and the room is freezing – frozen.
That should tell me you don’t care – but all it tells me is I gave you too much power.
Once upon, I would’ve fixed that window myself. I need to let you go; I’ve let time freeze like my room.

I think last night when I woke up shivering,
I realised the broken window pane was me.
Cold and lifeless – waiting to be made whole again.
You said I reminded you of a victim at a shipwreck, begging to be rescued.
I was stuck between endless waters and rubble.

I thought of you, I went to climb out again – that pain hurts less.
But I just stood there, thinking about you for the longest time – hurting.
My final goodbye, the last of what I gave to you.
Because I wasn’t a shipwreck,
I was a salt water river, and you a fresh water lake – never to be.

The next time I walked into that room,
I was happy.
Someone asked me out, and it didn’t hurt as much.
The next time I walked into that room,
the window was boarded shut.
I’m fixing it, I think.
For now, I’ll think of you, and I won’t hurt myself climbing out the window.